Screw you, tangerine girl!

The last time I ventured to the Borders bookstore for some good old fashioned Friday fun...I found myself incredibly annoyed. A college aged couple sat down right next to me...just far enough from me that they avoided sitting in my lap, yet close enough that I could probably lick their faces if I had tried. Yes, that's a really creepy and gross way of explaining proximity - but it was for effect. Whatever.

Anyway, I felt like I was stuck in a "coming of age" high school summer reading list book. The girl and guy spent a ridiculous amount of time discussing the many 'sex'capades and dramatic dealings of themselves and their friends, clearly in a futile attempt to assert their age and maturity. Gasp.

I could've vomited at that - but would rather save my regurgitation for what occurred just before that. Minutes after they first sat down, they pulled out a bag of Fried Chicken. I kid you not. Fried Chicken. In the middle of the bookstore - Bam! Fried Chicken. Not only did they proceed to openly unwrap their dinners and eat a Sunday Dinner next to me...they had the audacity to do so, whilst chomping with their mouths full. disgusting.

But I digress.

The point of THIS post is to tell you that I MUST be a magnet for idiots at the bookstore. Immediately after work, I rushed to the bookstore to check out a book that had been recommended to me earlier in the day. I found a cozy little table, far from anyone else...and was ready to determine if this book was worth purchasing.

Like clockwork, a group of obnoxious college-aged girls entered the cafe area. No. Please, no. Don't. Walk. Over. Here. These tables are crappy. The chairs are uncomfortable. What? You don't care? Oh. You'd rather sit down next to me and make my time at the bookstore a miserable experience? Wonderful.

Luckily, two of the three girls left right away. They had to run to Chipotle to pick dinner...and bring it back. In the next hour, I spent my time deciding exactly WHEN i should punch the remaining girl in the face. She started her obnoxiousness by drowning herself in hand sanitizer. Alright, no biggie - the girl likes cleanliness. Fine - I'll give her that one. .........Next, came the Bath and Bodyworks Sweet Pea lotion. Seriously? Yes. She doused herself in. Lathered her body from head to ...legs. Arms, elbows, check, check. The entire cafe reeked of the soft smell of shitty sweat peas.

Just when my nose began to recover from the olfactory abuse it had just endured...she pulled out a ziploc bag, lined with napkins. Oh no! What could be inside of that? What could she have possibly brought with her to the bookstore in a napkin-lined ziploc bag?

Yep. A tangerine. I kid you not - an unpeeled tangerine. What in the hell was she thinking??? Well, now I know exactly what she was thinking. This was a well-thought out, premeditated effort on her part. First, the sanitizer to wash her hands of the filth she had collected on her drive over. Then the lotion to soften her skin before the laborious tangerine peel she would assume. And that obnoxious biotch even had the foresight to pack a napkin-lined ziploc bag to pack her stupid little tangerine in. She knew that damn thing would be messy - and she prepared.

To that, I say, "Screw you tangerine girl. Your careful plotting and scheming to smuggle in your sticky snack was not appreciated. Furthermore, it was an insult to my intelligence (and that of avid readers worldwide) that you thought you could mask the smell of your citrus social sin with the strong scent of antibacterial soap or Sweet Pea lotion. This is a bookstore, tangerine girl. We, the bookstore cafe-type, are well-read and not easily fooled. How dare you!!"

Surely, I'm a magnet for this sort of ridiculousness. I just can't allow myself to believe that these things are normal. I'd be far less disenchanted to learn that I am the flame to these bookstore moths...than to believe for a second that this sort of behavior is either normal or acceptable.

I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.